Fin, Year 1

"And just like that, my freshmen year of college is over." Wait... What? Let me back track a little. My freshmen year of college ended today and let me tell you: I am ready. I have to admit that this year has been the hardest year I've ever dealt with. Between my own insecurities and worries, my fear of not being able to make friends or build any new relationships, my inability to sit down and focus on school work for an adequate amount of time, and all the mental breakdowns and internal struggles, this has been a long year. I didn't get the greatest grades, I didn't do a lot of exploration in this city or school, and I didn't truly feel like a part of the community here, but I did make a lot of great memories. I met people that I really love and click with. I learned what it's like to walk all the way across campus in a hurry to get to my midterm, I re-discovered why going to house parties of people I don't know makes me uncomfortable, and I learned to love dining hall food (most of the time). I've met people who have taught me a lot about themselves and about myself, who have taught me how to learn from their mistakes and how to open myself up to a new idea or lifestyle. I also made it through my first year of college, and like all things, including the small victories, that is something to celebrate. 

For a long time, I debated coming to my university. I debated staying at home and attending a community college so I could have a better chance at attending my first choice school and having the college experience I wanted. I felt at war with myself and very conflicted and, in the end, I decided I would beat myself up for the rest of my life (probably not) if I felt like I was missing out on a "real" freshmen year of college. All through my senior year I felt very pressured to attend a four year right out of high school, which is absurd. I do believe that college is important and, for me, vital, but going straight to a four year isn't always the right route for everyone. Going to a community college or taking a small break can be just as encouraging, insightful, and powerful for an individual as attending a four year university right away. Every college experience and approach varies from each person to the next, and there is no right or wrong. I believed I needed to go to a four year right away, and in some ways, I almost regret that decision. I thought I would be looked down upon and wouldn't be as successful if I waited to go to a four year, versus going right away. There are many days I wake up wishing I waited so I could have gone to the university I actually want to attend. But, on other mornings, I'm very thankful I decided to be a Viking, knowing I met some really incredible people.

The people I've met here are people that need to be celebrated. I've become so close to people that come from all over, from Portland, to San Francisco, to Cincinnati. I have friends who I realized only live 20 minutes from my hometown, or live right across the river from me. I've met people who are transfers, who are of various religions, who have different diets and different lifestyles than me. College, aside from academics, is really about the people you meet and the memories you make with them. The other students that I've become close with are what made this school year worth it. They're what made the nights I stayed up until 2 am crying, the days I dreaded coming back up from Seattle or home, the days I spent alone convincing myself I had no friends, and the moments I felt I made the worst decision of my life, all worth it. I might not feel like a part of the campus community here, but I feel like I belong with the people I've come to know and love. 

I might not be here next year. I might leave and try to find a "home" elsewhere. I came to this school knowing I didn't want to, knowing I'd rather be somewhere else, and really realized that I wasn't happy here. I wasn't always myself, and that was a thought that scared me. When I spoke with the friends I've met who are absolutely in love with this university, who call this place their home, who are sad to see the year end and are anticipating fall when they can return, I know that this isn't my place. And that is okay. Not everyone finds their place right away. One of my closest friends is a transfer and is in love with it here, unlike her first school. Not everyone jumps into the place they call home. Sometimes it takes a bit more searching, and that's what I plan on doing. I might not be a Viking next year (was I really ever?), and I might not ever come back to this city. Though a beautiful place, an incredible school, and the home to many bright, young, ambitious students, this is not my school, and this is not my home. It took me a long time to understand that this didn't need to be my place. College is about learning, developing, growing, and thinking. It's also about feeling at peace, feeling essential to the community, feeling certain. For some of us, that takes awhile. I expected that I would be the only person feeling lost, confused, and conflicted, but I was wrong. I was not alone, I was never alone, and to anyone else feeling this way: you are not alone. 

{I sure am going to miss this view}

I am thankful for the time I have spent here. If I come back, I know I can make it through the year. If I don't, I know I am capable of being a strong, young, ambitious, and driven woman who wants to pursue her higher education and receive her hard-earned degree. As for the people I've met, the memories I've made, and the professors I've learned from, I am ready to celebrate.

{The difference just a couple of minutes make}

 I hope that everyone has an incredible summer break and that you all had a memorable school year! I'd love if you shared some great memories with me!

Cheers!